


And I Destroy It

by Anonymous



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 11:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8666170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Based on the kink meme prompt which requested a character finding Eddie Redmayne's infamous Jupiter Ascending outfit in Newt's closet and reacting accordingly. Crack.
Jacob has a lot of questions.





	

He had decided to clean out the shed and had just gotten started on the wardrobe. Jacob tsked to himself as he deposited piles and piles of Newt's extra clothes on the floor. They were covered in dust and clearly hadn't been worn in a long time. It seemed like a never-ending series of shirts, vests and coats until a black shimmery cloth surfaced. 

Jacob lifted it, curious. It was some sort of black robe, that is, it might have passed for one if you hadn't removed 90% of the robe and left only a few measly strips of cloth. Whatever remained did a very poor job of covering up one's body. A bit of digging around revealed an additional leather pair of trousers. When Jacob unballed them, he was stunned to find a number of ostentatious goldpieces. There were gawdy rings of various sizes, bracelets, and a heavy neckpiece covered in intricate carvings. They glittered almost menacingly, and Jacob suppressed a shudder. Jewelry was alright, but these were just tacky. Even strip joint workers wore classier stuff.

He stared, for a couple of long moments, trying to come up with a reason for Newt to have these items. He came up blank.

They looked about Newt's size. Odd.

"Hey, Newt?" He called out. The other male trotted over from his workstation, grinning. "What's all this?"

The smile immediately slid off Newt's face and he was suddenly in between Jacob and the dubious pile of clothing and accessories, shielding them. "Nothing! Hm? Nothing." He blinked furiously, speaking in a rushed voice. "Just some junk the niffler took."

Any idiot could tell when Newt was feeding him a line.

"Says you," he said impatiently, reaching around Newt to brandish the evidence at him. He shook the strange robe at him, and the taller male swallowed nervously. He was reddening. "These don't look like nothing. Is this real gold? Something you want to tell me, pal? You don't seem like the type to dress like..."

When Newt simply looked down and swallowed, fidgeting like he was about to have a panic attack, Jacob suddenly felt guilty. Who was he to attack someone if they wanted to dress like they were for sale in the privacy of their own home, er, suitcase?

"Well, not that I'm judging or anything. I mean everyone has... Eccentricities, right?" Eccentricities. Jacob was still trying to wrap his head around the new discovery that Newt's obsession with dangerous animals wasn't even the strangest thing about him.

"I didn't do it voluntarily," Newt confessed, wiping his face with a hand like he were trying to rub the flush off his cheeks. "There was... A colony of merpeople and they believed I was their," he paused, looking off into the distance. "...Deity." He visibly shuddered.

"Or so I thought. It turns out they just wanted to sacrifice me to a volcano," Newt explained.

"So after doing a swan dive into the crater, I cast a fire-coat charm and waited under the lava surface before crawling out and traveling ten miles back to my encampment."

Jacob was slack-jawed. And amazed, as always, by Newt's tenacity. Intrigued by the images forming in his mind. Newt running around in hot pants and a barely-there robe, wearing gold clinking bracelets and a collar. What a sight that must've been. He almost wished he'd been there to see it.

"It was _awful_ ," Newt finished, snapping Jacob out of his reverie. 

"Yeah, so awful you kept every souvenir," he muttered, eyeing all the pieces of jewelry that had apparently survived the supposed ordeal. Newt cast him a suspicious look.

"Sorry?" 

"Nothing," Jacob quickly replied. A mischevious smile crossed his face and he grabbed the satin robe and pressed it against Newt's chest. "For old times' sake, why don't you put this on and give me a show? You know, I bet you looked like a real doll--" Jacob's laugh was abruptly cut off by a swooping evil to the face.


End file.
